watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You pole danced in your parka.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
