Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
