break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
