So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
