Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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