my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
