yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
