Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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