we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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