let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
