Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize