Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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