so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
