I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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