I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
