Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
