The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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