He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
