I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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