"it" just moved
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
MIDGETS
????
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
