just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
