Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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