ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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