I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
