What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
