From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
