She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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