FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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