I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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