if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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