I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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