shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
