Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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