A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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