walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
