God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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