Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
