Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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