I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
