she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
