So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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