it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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