I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
