His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize