I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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