Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
