I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
