Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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