Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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