oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
