Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
