i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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