you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
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