So drunk its hurt
Do you still have your period?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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