Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
