Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
