dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
