In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
